grayishgrounder

It’s me, You

It’s me knocking on your door hoping You would turn to open it for me

I know, You

I know You never turn away from me all this time

I know You were always there watching me

I know You called me over to come times before

I know even when the calling got a little rare You were still there open up for me

You still say hi from time to time asking how I am doing once in a while, I know

I know even when You no longer called me that often You were still there for me

You just waited there doing the same things for others

            while waiting for me to finally turn to You

And that is probably why I subconsciously took You for granted

You, I know we both know I’ve been trying to play You all this time

doing things toward others like You do toward me and the others

I try to treat them the way You treat me

I try to regard them the way You regard me, put things on them that You put on me

and possibly make them learn from me like You make me learn

You inspire me big time and I was overwhelmed by the revelation thus got carried away

I try to forward to others what You give to me

            and in the way started to see myself like I see You

I psychotically like it when they get me wrong like You often is got

I massochistically enjoy it when they hurt me because of their not-knowings

I arrogantly regard myself different

and subconsciously seize toward the idea that I will end up being lonely

But You’re not like that

You just try to make us get You right and don’t care if we still don’t

You don’t get hurt because You expect nothing from us

You don’t make Yourself different because You already are

            and will always be the sole of the kind

And therefore You are always the only naturally alone one

I put big on myself to be my being’s version of You

but in the process I forgot that I was not You

You, this is always the hardest part for me; admitting to myself that I feel powerless

I am suffering now, You; I’m not the kind who doesn’t give up

            like I always like to think of my self as

I can’t deny it still feels tough sometime when they get me wrong

no matter how much in my defense I always say they’re just too scared

            to admit to themselves

            that they can actually find simple sincerity in a person nowadays

I know I can seem aloof and much distant on the surface

that it’s hard for them to believe what they then find in my inner layers

and I know my humane inconsistency makes it even harder for them to believe so

but however it’s still painful at the end of the day

when I realize I’m taken for granted

That show me times I am not You but I just could never see it, not wanting to accept it

You’re often taken for granted and You leave them with their choice

They deny You but You’re never hurt

You don’t expect them to pay You the cost I think You’re entitled

You don’t even expect anything

But no matter how hard I try to fight it, I’m just not like that

I do expect something out of what I give out

I expect to see that my work pays off in results that I meant to do them for

I expect to see that what I try to do out of my believes and values actually make them

            learn something

I expect to get proof that I actually make good uses out of those efforts

And sadly it all only proves that somewhere along the way I forgot the values I upheld

            that became the reasons I started doing those things in the first place

You, it’s me calling You now

I’m reaching out for Your mercy

I wonder if I still deserve to ask for it, though

But I’ve got no one else left to actually count on

You’re the only one I still fully have trust in

I’ve come to the point where I could no longer give out sincere warmth for others

            without being reciprocated

I feel so powerless that I could even barely stand on my own feet

I need Your warmth, it feels way too cold than I thought I could ever bear

I need Your love to ever gain my belief again that there’s someone

            who sincerely cares for me

I need Your protection to make me feel safe from the cruel harm

            they don’t know they put me through

You, it’s me still knocking on Your door waiting

if You would still turn to this shamed self of mine

I know there’s nothing more I could afford to do to make them believe me

But please don’t let me lose my belief in You

August 28, 2005

It’s cold

I remember the last time I felt it

What was so cold about it now that I am actually feeling it again?

It’s different, though

So I’m not gonna make any comparison between the two

Need some warmth now

Need comfort

Wanna feel that I have some company

that some people still think of me

Not those people, though

Not those who would ask me what’s with it

Not some people who would nicely try to console me with some nice and up-lifting words

Not that I hate kindness

Not that I don’t believe they’re sincere

Not that I don’t buy what they’d say

Well, I’d probably think some of them as crappy lip service; I know

But it’s not like I don’t appreciate the endeavor

I just already know whatever it is they’re gonna say

Yet, I don’t think they actually get me

Want some warm company here

Wanna feel safe

Tried to reach for it, already

But somehow don’t have high drive to do much

Don’t even have enough drive to do anything

Not at the very moment, at least

I knew it would happen

Just didn’t know when

It’s not because of the reason it happened

I can understand that

It’s not so much for what I know I’m gonna go through, I’m sure

I know I’m gonna get through it, eventually

Been there before

It’s just that I don’t see it didn’t take that hard for it to happen

Didn’t all that count for something at all, at least?

Couldn’t believe what I heard

Are you trying to fool me?

Or are you trying to lie to yourself?

Or are you paralyzed by the too much burden on your shoulders so you let go what’s in your grab, thinking that’s what’s aggravating?

Or are you just simply trying to make it easier for you?

Certainly not easier for me

‘Coz I can handle the choice

I can handle the painful truth of the facts

I just couldn’t handle the lies that well; you should’ve known me better

A minute of your guilty feeling

A minute of your trying to make it up

The next minute you decide

You said it’d been there for quite a while

So how come you never told me before?

You said this had been burdening you

What have I asked you to do, actually?

Burden?

You thought wrong and you didn’t ask first

Prejudice that led you to some heavily-burdened feelings, thinking you needed to do so much for so long

I had already been fine for quite a while, just so you know

You just couldn’t see it or even bring yourself to ask how it had been going

You didn’t need to do that much anymore, actually

But what can I say now?

You’ve thought that whatever you did was obligation

You’ve made yourself believe you lost it, a way to deny what actually was happening

The burden has somehow made it all blurry

You couldn’t see that there was other reason you’re there all this time

But what can I tell you now?

You’ve come way too deep to your conclusion

You now think there’s no use keeping it

Something has come back to steal your sight again like it did before

You don’t wanna admit it to yourself so you put the blame on something else

You’re human, I know

That’s why I try to understand it

Just hope you do too

A coward stabs from the back
He prejudges and announces his prejudice
but never in front of your face

A coward talks, but hardly acts
And when he acts, he avoids the consequences

The more coward one is, the more he fakes
He appears a friend on the outside
and an insecure bitch only inside
Bitch…? Yes, a female dog that is

A coward knows what’s right, but chooses what’s wrong
He’s afraid to deal with his own self, so then he hides
And when he’s found, he acts like a smart innocent

The linguist coward twists his tongue
and innocently plays with his words
The drama queen one acts brave
and innocently plays reverse psychology

And when his back against the wall;
no other way to run or hide,
He wants time to make it pass just like that
No sorry, no apology
It doesn’t matter, it never even exists

It’s humane to have covers, you wanna protect yourself
The honests are under glass
The commons choose wire net
…or something else
But only the cowards shielded with thorny metal

A coward is in you and as well in me
You times see even the greatest friend becomes coward to others
But a true one not ever does, not to you

A coward…
Why singular, by the way?
Because I am referring to and as well inspired by one particular person
What has he done to me?
Doesn’t necessarily make it a male just ’cause I address the person by “he”
Anyway…

You don’t expect a friend to do it to you
And even when he does,
You can just easily make him pay for that
or just simply dump him
To teach him lessons, you say
or hell for whatever reason
It’s the short easy way

Any use of it, though?
Make him learn, you think?
Yeah, like he’s got the brain to absorb and proceed
What good does it do you?

I wouldn’t be content just by dumping him
I wouldn’t be satisfied paying back out of revenge,
I find it degrading me to be as low as he is
But I wouldn’t let him get away with it
not knowing that I know what he’s done to me

I’d teach him some lessons
Show him how a brave deals with it
and how a friend really is

If he gets it, he’ll feel inferior
But still, learn from me
If he doesn’t, it doesn’t matter

Because I don’t do it for only good intention
Not to make myself good use for others
Not because I am big-hearted
and neither because I think that makes me noble

It’s because I’m content knowing I’m not the bad guy
Because I get satisfaction from showing him I’m not as low
Because I feel an achievement not to fall into temptation of revenge
and because I find superiority in not paying back
One thing for sure, though
My ego enjoys it

To all of you and especially to one particular person who is loudly self-claimed as my friend,
…if you’re lucky enough with your head to get it.

Love,

Réza.