grayishgrounder

It’s me, You

It’s me knocking on your door hoping You would turn to open it for me

I know, You

I know You never turn away from me all this time

I know You were always there watching me

I know You called me over to come times before

I know even when the calling got a little rare You were still there open up for me

You still say hi from time to time asking how I am doing once in a while, I know

I know even when You no longer called me that often You were still there for me

You just waited there doing the same things for others

            while waiting for me to finally turn to You

And that is probably why I subconsciously took You for granted

You, I know we both know I’ve been trying to play You all this time

doing things toward others like You do toward me and the others

I try to treat them the way You treat me

I try to regard them the way You regard me, put things on them that You put on me

and possibly make them learn from me like You make me learn

You inspire me big time and I was overwhelmed by the revelation thus got carried away

I try to forward to others what You give to me

            and in the way started to see myself like I see You

I psychotically like it when they get me wrong like You often is got

I massochistically enjoy it when they hurt me because of their not-knowings

I arrogantly regard myself different

and subconsciously seize toward the idea that I will end up being lonely

But You’re not like that

You just try to make us get You right and don’t care if we still don’t

You don’t get hurt because You expect nothing from us

You don’t make Yourself different because You already are

            and will always be the sole of the kind

And therefore You are always the only naturally alone one

I put big on myself to be my being’s version of You

but in the process I forgot that I was not You

You, this is always the hardest part for me; admitting to myself that I feel powerless

I am suffering now, You; I’m not the kind who doesn’t give up

            like I always like to think of my self as

I can’t deny it still feels tough sometime when they get me wrong

no matter how much in my defense I always say they’re just too scared

            to admit to themselves

            that they can actually find simple sincerity in a person nowadays

I know I can seem aloof and much distant on the surface

that it’s hard for them to believe what they then find in my inner layers

and I know my humane inconsistency makes it even harder for them to believe so

but however it’s still painful at the end of the day

when I realize I’m taken for granted

That show me times I am not You but I just could never see it, not wanting to accept it

You’re often taken for granted and You leave them with their choice

They deny You but You’re never hurt

You don’t expect them to pay You the cost I think You’re entitled

You don’t even expect anything

But no matter how hard I try to fight it, I’m just not like that

I do expect something out of what I give out

I expect to see that my work pays off in results that I meant to do them for

I expect to see that what I try to do out of my believes and values actually make them

            learn something

I expect to get proof that I actually make good uses out of those efforts

And sadly it all only proves that somewhere along the way I forgot the values I upheld

            that became the reasons I started doing those things in the first place

You, it’s me calling You now

I’m reaching out for Your mercy

I wonder if I still deserve to ask for it, though

But I’ve got no one else left to actually count on

You’re the only one I still fully have trust in

I’ve come to the point where I could no longer give out sincere warmth for others

            without being reciprocated

I feel so powerless that I could even barely stand on my own feet

I need Your warmth, it feels way too cold than I thought I could ever bear

I need Your love to ever gain my belief again that there’s someone

            who sincerely cares for me

I need Your protection to make me feel safe from the cruel harm

            they don’t know they put me through

You, it’s me still knocking on Your door waiting

if You would still turn to this shamed self of mine

I know there’s nothing more I could afford to do to make them believe me

But please don’t let me lose my belief in You

August 28, 2005